Dear Riot Games: Adding snow to an existing level does not make it a new level. That being said, let’s get to the game itself.

Brace yourself for an ego-shattering pee-hole invasion. This is the sort game style that releases urethra weasels upon the casual gamer. The learning curve is more than steep; it’s the slippery curve of an erect penis looming over you, mocking your impotent attempts to mount it. And if you manage to get on top? Well, if you didn’t play DOTA and you don’t have a friend to show you how to play League of Legends get ready for a thing or twelve (inches).

You are going to die. You are going to die a lot. Your team is going to be upset and call you a “feeder” and tell you how terrible you are at this game and how they think you are a useless piece of shit. Then the other team will take time out of their game to tell you that you should stick a toothpick under your toenail and go kick a brick wall.

Your character isn’t the commitment you might have come to expect from other games. You select a Champion from a list and you gain levels and purchase items with gold you get from kills or slaying minion to improve you character. The longer you spend looking at items, the longer you are not on the field stopping the opposing team from mowing down your defenses and destroying your base. How are you supposed to learn this pivotal aspect of the game? You don’t. I recommend looking at other people’s items at the end of rounds. This gives you the opportunity to see how these items come together in play and see what stat increases are on the items.

While respawning, the already better player is gaining experience and gaining more gold so he can kill you even more easily when you come running back to feed him another sum of gold for your death. It can become lopsided extremely quickly.

As you learn the finer points of this game, you can begin to actually be a ‘player’. You will jump suddenly from a gold hemorhagging slit to a completely average cockbite. The more time you take to learn from the people on your team and the other team who are tearing assholes open, the more badass you become. Once you become a god, smiling down on all the mere mortals with fear in their eyes, clenching their ass cheeks as you raise your hand; remember the shit you had to put up with while climbing the online power structure. What that means to you as a gamer, is really up to you. This is your chance to give it all back or act in a manner you would want the rest of these worn out whores to act in.

When it comes down to it, this is a team game; you are going to deal with people for better or worse. Find some friends and avoid pick up games as much as possible. Riot Games has been true to their words in providing a steady stream of new content and keeping the game free. They pay attention to the forums and it is reflected in the game’s development. If you can tolerate the game long enough to start enjoying, it is only going to get better. This being said, they should add some new fucking levels. I’m bored of the twisted tree line in a World of Warcraft engine ripoff.

By Jeff “Dick-Ears” McGhee